horribility
Celine and I coined a new word today.(:
Horrible probability=horribility.
We both agree how much we hate probability and suck at it. xp
hahahas.

I made my first pair of earrings but hua said they looked like key chains and no one wore such things.hrmph.really? I would. I just feel so fed up with her all of a sudden. Like we have such bad tempers and you know how we don't simmer down so easily. It's really bad for our friendship...I'd get mad and not talk to her for awhile, but I don't even know if she notices that. Then later she'd just talk to me as if nothing happened,or maybe she had simmered down, or I would just contribute in conversations, deciding I did not want to be mad anymore...But that always made me feel very unhappy inside, coz I just cannot let it go at that...Of course you would say that it's just me; and that I should just na de qi, fang de xia; but it's just not me to be able to do that so easily...That would not happen if we did not both have bad tempers and if we could see more eye to eye about certain issues(i.e. school). Perhaps then it was a wrong decision to go to the same poly as her? or even go poly at all? But honestly, I do like the modules I'm studying now and the pace of academia, so no, poly was not wrong. But how abt the ppl? It'd be mean to say I do not like the people there, coz I do not believe I will not find ppl I like...It's more cannot get used to them ba, coz we were from a different environment and by that I do not mean to sound superior but am merely stating facts for how they are. We are different people, undeniably true.

I guess in poly, finding friends that you can stick to and really open your heart to are few....and so we should treasure our friends in sec sch even more. It's correct to say that your best friends are made in secondary school coz that's when you start to mature and find the friends that would matter most in your life...I really really believe in that now...

How I wished hc offered TRM and the entire 79 picked it. How I wished I cld do these subj in TRM with 79 so that I had the best of both worlds.Both the best ppl to be in a class with and the best pace of academia and best subj to study... But it's often not possible huh? I guess life is never so kind...When choosing smth, there is always opp cost;in my case I gave up the best ppl and now I feel so freaking lonely...I used to think I made friends easily and I had quite a few many good and best friends...but look here; that was in st nicks. It's different now...Here, I see many ppl have a small group of friends and I envy them. I walk in twos or threes, and even still I don't talk as if they're the closest friends on earth. There's still a distance...Then I wonder, what's the point of having nice subj to study if you can't find anyone to share the joy of studying them? because in clear comparision, these subj were much easier to study then in jc or rather more specifically hc.

Today, I looked around and saw familiar faces of ppl from hc, particularly fac outing jolted my memory...I meant I seemed to see ppl who looked like those in hc and it was as if at any point, i would see one of my friends from 79...Do I miss the ppl there too much? I really really think so. Yet why would that be the case if I made great friends here too?The point is that I don't. Which sucks. Coz, heaven seem to be giving me a sign: that this is the price to pay for choosing poly...when I gave you such a good class of ppl, you take it and fight for it and not give it up. you appeal to get in and fight to stay not simply choose smth else. Now, you get your wish, great subj to study but ppl you may not like that much. So was it my own fault I ended up like this? feeling miserable abt my poly social life? or maybe it was more ignited due to me being fed-up with hua and i for our friendship hitting the rocks all the time. It's hard to chill after getting fired up...so it really sucks when we have to pretend like it's all fine. It is as if we are pretending like we are not angry anymore but end up swallowing the anger...

today, I talked little on the bus and pretended like I was tired and wanted to sleep (thou i did eventually)...I was angry at hua for announcing she needed to rush home and I wanted to submit my application form for nyaa. and we ended early, but cldn't spare a little time to submit the form, after all we were alrd near the place to do so.BUT then again, I know her reason was completely acceptable and I ought to understand, yet, I couldn't help it. It's just my personality to get things done my way I suppose...and because we're close I feel even more strongly abt it...like i kinda expect her to give in to me...but then again, i can't always expect one party to constantly give in to the other in a friendship...in fact, no relationship would work that way...maybe it's just me being wilful.

My thoughts are just all over the place...I'm sorry..I guess I'm just overwhelmed by what I experienced today...Today, I felt like we were having a cold war for the first time.or maybe she did not feel that way...and maybe im just particularly sensitive and vulnerable today that makes me feel so upset over her insensitivity...or maybe it was coz we were close that she thought it was alright to say so...and on normal days i guess it would, but just not today. then again, how would she know i was so upset if i did not say it? haiz~

sometimes I just feel like our goals in life are so different. In terms of school, I want to go for this event and she doesn't exhibit as much enthusiasm, which kinda kills mine eventually or she would rather not go for it and go home for more sleep or smth.it is as if her reasons are so trivial to me...like can't you sacrifice it for once? and this makes me mad...I told myself before that such things would happen again in poly since they often did in st nicks...but in sn i still had mandy and qingy and sally and them...maybe not sally coz i know she's like that and she is good at her studies so it doesn't matter whether she was active in sch activities or not...but hua is different. she's not good at her studies so i thot it'd be better for her with more activity...but no, she doesn't think this way...she just feels it's a waste of time.or that she would just say no money or no time...yes, it is true she has no money...so i guess i shld just accept that and stop getting myself mad over nthg the next time she says so. or rather i wld feel more helpless; like why you no money go for this??! It'd be so nice to go tght...but this is the life of having a poor friend. I don't despise her but it is the truth is it not? thus with regards to sch, our tempers wld flare...but with regards to other things, we are like complements...doesn't it just suck? like why do we have such different temperaments?? Even the music did not sound nice today despite trying to shake my head to the beat to get myslef in better spirits...it just did not work...and clearly, this is affecting me a lot...I guess I shld just accept it that she is like that and accept her for who she is...no point making myself mad right? it only increases my winkles and makes me unhappy. So i shall try my best to stop feeling so awful abt today...but the fact is that I do.and this feeling's to stay i know.

actually I know there exists many cong tu between us.but we often try to make it work and ignore it. after 4 years, i feel that that is enough and we shld work it out. I fear confrontations so there's a feeling of dread in my heart.but yet, i know this is unavoidable. smth that must be changed though would be her quite always replying in a fed-up tone when i ask smth nicely. it gets me really mad as well...like why must be so hostile?? not a pleasant feeling leh... cannot hear then don't put on such a irritated face can or not? but she did say that she just dislikes not being to hear properly and i understand coz i have things i dislike too and i too do show that face alot i think, and she puts up with it...so i shld too..but then maybe we shld just try to change our habits...it's strange, to other ppl we don't display these, but to each other, we get damn pissed with each other over trivialities. and that gets me really fed-up. like why do we flare up at each other so easily? that sucks lah. i believe it is not all abt her and i know there will be a lot of things abt me too...but i guess i wld just have to listen to them with an open-heart(which i don't have btw)... i guess everyone just wants to listen to nice things abt themselves...

coz it's times like these remind me that i gotta keep my cool

horribility
Celine and I coined a new word today.(:
Horrible probability=horribility.
We both agree how much we hate probability and suck at it. xp
hahahas.

I made my first pair of earrings but hua said they looked like key chains and no one wore such things.hrmph.really? I would. I just feel so fed up with her all of a sudden. Like we have such bad tempers and you know how we don't simmer down so easily. It's really bad for our friendship...I'd get mad and not talk to her for awhile, but I don't even know if she notices that. Then later she'd just talk to me as if nothing happened,or maybe she had simmered down, or I would just contribute in conversations, deciding I did not want to be mad anymore...But that always made me feel very unhappy inside, coz I just cannot let it go at that...Of course you would say that it's just me; and that I should just na de qi, fang de xia; but it's just not me to be able to do that so easily...That would not happen if we did not both have bad tempers and if we could see more eye to eye about certain issues(i.e. school). Perhaps then it was a wrong decision to go to the same poly as her? or even go poly at all? But honestly, I do like the modules I'm studying now and the pace of academia, so no, poly was not wrong. But how abt the ppl? It'd be mean to say I do not like the people there, coz I do not believe I will not find ppl I like...It's more cannot get used to them ba, coz we were from a different environment and by that I do not mean to sound superior but am merely stating facts for how they are. We are different people, undeniably true.

I guess in poly, finding friends that you can stick to and really open your heart to are few....and so we should treasure our friends in sec sch even more. It's correct to say that your best friends are made in secondary school coz that's when you start to mature and find the friends that would matter most in your life...I really really believe in that now...

How I wished hc offered TRM and the entire 79 picked it. How I wished I cld do these subj in TRM with 79 so that I had the best of both worlds.Both the best ppl to be in a class with and the best pace of academia and best subj to study... But it's often not possible huh? I guess life is never so kind...When choosing smth, there is always opp cost;in my case I gave up the best ppl and now I feel so freaking lonely...I used to think I made friends easily and I had quite a few many good and best friends...but look here; that was in st nicks. It's different now...Here, I see many ppl have a small group of friends and I envy them. I walk in twos or threes, and even still I don't talk as if they're the closest friends on earth. There's still a distance...Then I wonder, what's the point of having nice subj to study if you can't find anyone to share the joy of studying them? because in clear comparision, these subj were much easier to study then in jc or rather more specifically hc.

Today, I looked around and saw familiar faces of ppl from hc, particularly fac outing jolted my memory...I meant I seemed to see ppl who looked like those in hc and it was as if at any point, i would see one of my friends from 79...Do I miss the ppl there too much? I really really think so. Yet why would that be the case if I made great friends here too?The point is that I don't. Which sucks. Coz, heaven seem to be giving me a sign: that this is the price to pay for choosing poly...when I gave you such a good class of ppl, you take it and fight for it and not give it up. you appeal to get in and fight to stay not simply choose smth else. Now, you get your wish, great subj to study but ppl you may not like that much. So was it my own fault I ended up like this? feeling miserable abt my poly social life? or maybe it was more ignited due to me being fed-up with hua and i for our friendship hitting the rocks all the time. It's hard to chill after getting fired up...so it really sucks when we have to pretend like it's all fine. It is as if we are pretending like we are not angry anymore but end up swallowing the anger...

today, I talked little on the bus and pretended like I was tired and wanted to sleep (thou i did eventually)...I was angry at hua for announcing she needed to rush home and I wanted to submit my application form for nyaa. and we ended early, but cldn't spare a little time to submit the form, after all we were alrd near the place to do so.BUT then again, I know her reason was completely acceptable and I ought to understand, yet, I couldn't help it. It's just my personality to get things done my way I suppose...and because we're close I feel even more strongly abt it...like i kinda expect her to give in to me...but then again, i can't always expect one party to constantly give in to the other in a friendship...in fact, no relationship would work that way...maybe it's just me being wilful.

My thoughts are just all over the place...I'm sorry..I guess I'm just overwhelmed by what I experienced today...Today, I felt like we were having a cold war for the first time.or maybe she did not feel that way...and maybe im just particularly sensitive and vulnerable today that makes me feel so upset over her insensitivity...or maybe it was coz we were close that she thought it was alright to say so...and on normal days i guess it would, but just not today. then again, how would she know i was so upset if i did not say it? haiz~

sometimes I just feel like our goals in life are so different. In terms of school, I want to go for this event and she doesn't exhibit as much enthusiasm, which kinda kills mine eventually or she would rather not go for it and go home for more sleep or smth.it is as if her reasons are so trivial to me...like can't you sacrifice it for once? and this makes me mad...I told myself before that such things would happen again in poly since they often did in st nicks...but in sn i still had mandy and qingy and sally and them...maybe not sally coz i know she's like that and she is good at her studies so it doesn't matter whether she was active in sch activities or not...but hua is different. she's not good at her studies so i thot it'd be better for her with more activity...but no, she doesn't think this way...she just feels it's a waste of time.or that she would just say no money or no time...yes, it is true she has no money...so i guess i shld just accept that and stop getting myself mad over nthg the next time she says so. or rather i wld feel more helpless; like why you no money go for this??! It'd be so nice to go tght...but this is the life of having a poor friend. I don't despise her but it is the truth is it not? thus with regards to sch, our tempers wld flare...but with regards to other things, we are like complements...doesn't it just suck? like why do we have such different temperaments?? Even the music did not sound nice today despite trying to shake my head to the beat to get myslef in better spirits...it just did not work...and clearly, this is affecting me a lot...I guess I shld just accept it that she is like that and accept her for who she is...no point making myself mad right? it only increases my winkles and makes me unhappy. So i shall try my best to stop feeling so awful abt today...but the fact is that I do.and this feeling's to stay i know.

actually I know there exists many cong tu between us.but we often try to make it work and ignore it. after 4 years, i feel that that is enough and we shld work it out. I fear confrontations so there's a feeling of dread in my heart.but yet, i know this is unavoidable. smth that must be changed though would be her quite always replying in a fed-up tone when i ask smth nicely. it gets me really mad as well...like why must be so hostile?? not a pleasant feeling leh... cannot hear then don't put on such a irritated face can or not? but she did say that she just dislikes not being to hear properly and i understand coz i have things i dislike too and i too do show that face alot i think, and she puts up with it...so i shld too..but then maybe we shld just try to change our habits...it's strange, to other ppl we don't display these, but to each other, we get damn pissed with each other over trivialities. and that gets me really fed-up. like why do we flare up at each other so easily? that sucks lah. i believe it is not all abt her and i know there will be a lot of things abt me too...but i guess i wld just have to listen to them with an open-heart(which i don't have btw)... i guess everyone just wants to listen to nice things abt themselves...

coz it's times like these remind me that i gotta keep my cool